I am a Lotus!

I came across this picture today along with this message

" Often associated with healing from abuse, the lotus grows from the mud, blossoming clean and beautiful. The deeper the mud, the more beautiful the flower."

And it was the part that said " The deeper the mud, the more beautiful the flower" that gave me the biggiest case of goose pimples ever! Tears filled my eyes! Nothing has really ever spoken to me the way that message did.

I have always thought of myself as a "ugly duckling" child. People look at pictures of me and talk about how pretty I was but, I never saw it. I can say that the year I started 8th grade was the first time in my life I can remember looking in the mirror and thinking " geez, Im kinda pretty" but, right after that I was reminded of all the ugliness of my life before and even then. I always wanted to be one of the pretty girls. I wanted to feel pretty. I saw myself as ugly because of the things that I had gone through, the people that I was around and the things that they did to me. I never could look at myself with out those things being the first thing I saw. My grandma always told me " Tanya Mae, pretty is as pretty does." Well, in my mind I had done some pretty ugly things not knowing that as a child I had no control over what was done to me. However, I carried the weight of others actions on myself and for the longest time I felt ugly! I still do somedays. Its hard to believe your anything worth while or decent when you live in a hell that thrives on indecent acts and behaviors.

I am now on my way to being a whole healthy person. On my journey towards that I have learned and with 100% certainty I know that I am a beautiful person. I am a lotus. I came out of the deepest darkest mud and I am a beautiful lotus flower. Before anyone starts to think that I have climbed on top on my high horse and need to be knocked down a few notches let me just say that when I say beautiful Im not talking about my knock out hot mama looks. I merely just mean I like myself. The inside stuff more so than the outside. I like every other woman could tear myself apart and insult a million things about my exterior appearance but, why? I am thankful for what God has given me! I know Im a strong person and I know I have survived unsurvivable things. I know that I am a loving person. I am a mother, a friend and many other things but, most of all I am a child of God and that in itself makes me beautiful. God dont make junk ya know?

I hope for all who have been abused will read this and realize that out of the darkest places comes the most beautiful things. No matter where you come from, where you have been or where you maybe going. Your beautifully and wonderfully made. Embrace your beauty. God made you and stood beside you every single step of the way. He was there when you were just an ugly root in a dark hole. He made you the beautiful flower that you are and now all you have to do is look in the mirror and realize that all your blood, sweat and scars make you "beautifully" you. You my friend are a Lotus!

Take care of you,

Tanya

The mean girl in me!!

Holy smokes look at that shoe

I saw this picture today on another blog that I read and I thought one word OUCH!!!. Her post was a way different kind of post but, for some reason I couldnt stop looking at that shoe. For one, hello that is a crazy, scary, horrible looking shoe (can you imagine if you tripped over your own feet). Second, the mean girl in me just came out for a split second and I thought "oh, the things I could do with that shoe.!" Then I couldnt stop thinking about the hatefulness that I have in my life. The bitter mean girl! Dont sit there and act like you dont know who in the world Im talking about cause I believe you know her all to well. I know that for the most part I try to be a kind hearted person but, certain things trigger my anger and Im turn into some kind of crazy incredible hulk monster girl! For me there is no middle. Im not one of those typical people that get a little frustrated, aggitated, upset, then move up to p.o'd! I have 2 stages! Calm and Crazy! I honestly suffer from rage blackouts and when I say suffer believe me I do. I have no control and its really a scary thing. I think with age and a ton of therapy I have more control of myself than before but, yet I still have the mean girl in there!

I say all of that to say this. Dont you hate it when someone tries to come into your life even for just a moment and steal your joy? One minute your walking around with a smile on your face and a song in your heart and then in a split second your on the verge of being put away into a padded room with your nice little comfy straight jacket because someone messed with you or someone you love? Dont you hate that we allow people in our lives (or people we wish would disappear from our lives) to steal our joy from us. Its so silly when you think about the big picture. Nothing can steal your joy unless you allow it too.

I have been dealing with a kind of anger that I pray none of you have ever had the great pleasure of dealing with. Because of my child hood abuse I chose a very long time ago to be angry instead of hurt. It hurts less was always my philosophy but, that couldnt be farther from the truth. I have caused myself more pain from anger than anything else in my life. I have been to stages of anger that if I had a gun or any weapon people would be dead right now and I would be writing this blog inside my comfy jail cell!! Im not trying to act hard or act as if that is something Im proud of. I have held so much anger for other and mostly for myself that it has at times almost destroyed who God intended me to be. I still hold onto my anger at times as if I let it go I will no longer exist but, for the most part I have learned to let it go. I have learned to steer clear of people who want to steal my joy! I have learned to let it burn (thats what I say, its an usher song) cry and move on for the most part. Here's what I have resently learned. If you pause for just one second before you start to destroy the universe with your magical anger skills. Just pause...Let the good girl and the evil girl hash this out before you act. lol. Heres a sample conversation in the mind of Tanya these days when someone ticks me off

The good girl part of my brain says " Ok, look just be nice. Please for the love of all the holy people just walk away and turn the other cheek

Bad Girl part of my brain instantly kicks in and says "oh heck no, I can not believe that she/he acted this way. I'll show you buster brown!!.

Good girl says " breath and pray...fold your hands in prayer

Bad girl says " Im gonna fold my hands for something whether that be to punch them square in the throat, throw something or just throw a good ole fashioned hissy fit!

Then the big man(thats God) steps in and says Tanya, stop and think. It might feel good in the minute to scream, retaliate, pitch a fit and flood the situation with scary crazy white girl emotions. But it won’t feel good in the long run. It will feel awful in the long run. Come on, T… be rare. Be a girl who looks ahead and determines to do what’s best in the long run.”

Issues? Yes, I have them. At least Im honest.

Im also glad to say that for the most part I let the good girl win but, Im sure all of us have days when the girl straight out of the movie "Mean Girls" takes over. That makes us human but, I think we should all start to try and be the nice girl! You know the girl that all of us mean girls hate because she is so stinkin nice we swear she poops skittles! Ya I want to be that girl. The girl that no matter what I smile! That my joy irritates the crud outta someone. I really do! Thats my hope in life. I may never poop rainbows but, I want to at least live each day with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. After all, Its my joy....Get your own!!!

Tanya

Something you should know... I love surveys!

I often. . . .put my foot in my mouth or say the right thing the wrong way. Its my hidden talent. Don’t hate!

I have . . . too many shoes, a thrift store obsession and a ton of other nasty habits. Most include shopping

I fear . . . crickets and things between my toes. Gross!

I feel . . . Like going shopping but, I have to say no! just this once Im saying No! Im going to try super hard to say NO!

I hear . . . nothing. This office I work in is like a funeral home.

I smell . . . nothing but, I bet I look super cool sniffing the air at my desk. Wow!

I hate. . . deadbeats, passive aggressiveness, crickets, dirty house, and spongebob squarepants!

I think. . . I might give into my need to shop.

I want. . . to go to Disneyland and I want an RV to take my family camping this summer.

I always. . . color code the clothes in my closet.

I am not. . . Captain Underpants

I am like . . . this and like that and like this and uh!

I believe . that miracles do happen and I believe in angels

I don't always. . . exaggerate... :)

I am happy that. . . I am able to make it through my fitness class now without crying. Yay me!

I win. . . almost every fight with boy wonder. This is how I know he loves me!

I never. . . want to lose my girls.

I need. . . some new bathing suits for boat season

I listen. . . but pretend not to. Selective hearing is such a good gift to have.

I am scared of. . . crickets and dying in keystone lake after I have a car wreck and my car flips over the bridge into the water and I have no way of getting out so I drown. Yep that’s my newest fear!

I read. . .all.the.time.

I am . . . Stressed/Hungry/Happy/Thankful/Proud!

"Kids on First" Im so darn excited!

I AM SO STINKIN EXCITED ABOUT THIS!!!

Kids on First is a nationally recognized not-for-profit initiative working to create awareness about child abuse and neglect and now its coming to my town in Cleveland Oklahoma. A couple friends and I are starting a chapter in our county and you can too. You should!! Why wouldn't you is the big question here!?!

All it takes is a group of caring and creative people who want to protect the children in their community. Child abuse is a growing problem in the world. Its not going away and from what I know the numbers grow larger each year.

As a survivor of child abuse I can say that I wish there was something like KOF when I was a child that would have stood up for me. I'm a firm believer that keeping child abuse of any kind a secret is protecting the abuser. We aren't here to protect the abuser. Its time to stand up and protect the abused.

I was saved many times throughout my childhood and each time it was NEVER by a family member. The people that stood up for me were complete strangers. People who cared more for me than my biological family did. I want to be that person for children and I urge all of you to do the same. Some of us aren't born to families that would do anything for us. Some of us aren't even born to families that would do anything at all for us. Its so important to protect your own children but, for me its equally important to speak for those who have no one. Those without a family or a voice. My voice was taken away as a child because of abuse and I have fought for many years to get it back. I prayed that God would turn my trauma into triumph and I asked him to give me the tools I would need to change lives. I have recently realized that he gave me my voice back along with a ton of other things and I intend to use my voice for those who have lost theirs.

If you are interested in Kids on First please visit our website at kidsonfirst.com

There is a ton of information on there to explain exactly what we are all about.

I'm super excited to work with the team in my county who has taken time out of their lives to start a chapter for the kids in our community. I have a feeling that my group of friends and I will change the lives of many children and families. Thanks to all of you who are lending your voice to children who lost theirs. My prayer is that one day there wont be a child with this tragic secret in their heart and that all children will be allowed to enjoy the innocence of childhood!

Tanya

Im not sure that I am starting out as inspirational as I had planned with this next blog but, just try to see past my "mama tears/fears" to see such an inspirational story. That is a picture of my daughter who is graduating the 8th grade in 3 days. Oh, she is anything and everything good wrapped into a beautiful young lady! I could go on and on about how absolutley amazing she is for days. I had her when I was 17 and let me tell you, I was lost. I can remember thinking " they are so not going to let me just take this baby home..hello, people Im a child myself" I dont remember when exactly or how I stepped into the role of mama but, I know from the day I first saw her I wanted to be a better person. I have raised Kelbie from day one by myself and I have learned more from her than from anything else in my life. Coming from a childhood like mine statistics would say I wouldnt know how to nuture and love a child because I was never nutured. I am telling you right now I beat that statistic and I proved them wrong. I have never loved anything like I love her and I would go to the end of the world and back for her.
We were watching the movie "It's complicated" this weekend and in one part the daughter is packing her car down to head to college and the mom is just standing there watching her with the most lost look on her face. Her siblings are standing there chatting with her about how much fun she is going to have and then the girl turns and looks at her mom and asks her if she is scared to be alone in the house and the mom quickly says " Oh no honey, Im just trying to figure out who Im going to watch "The Hills" with now?" and thenshe starts bawling. So then I start bawling and Kelbie looks up and just laughs histarically at me. Then she realizes Im really crying. I said "I dont want you to go" and she says "mom Im only graduating 8th grade!!!" I then said I know but, in four years you'll be going away and she says to me "Mom, dont worry Ill come back all the time so you can do my laundry" and yes she was serious. Oh, I love that child. I took myself to the bathroom and cried some more. I just realize while watching that movie how soon she will be packing up her car and going to school, going to grow up and find her own way in life. I have 4 yrs left to mold her and teach her everything she needs to know. Four years of having her under my wing and in my house and then she will be going away. While Im so proud to see her grow up to be everything I never imagined she would be, it rips my heart to shreds to know that in 4 years she will be gone. While I know she will always need me theres still that since of her not needing me for everything that totally makes me want to vomit. Lord, I hope I taught her well. I hope all of my sacrafices matter. I hope all my prayers are heard but, most of all I hope she will always know that I am so proud to be her mom!!! We have both grown up so much and we have grown up together. Im really stinkin proud of both of us.

Kelbie Mae, I love you all the way across the ocean, upto the moon, around the sun, over the rainbows and back again!

Hello Everyone! Welcome to my page.

I just want to say thanks for coming to my new blog page. I hope to update very often with inpirational stories, quotes, and pictures. I will share my life with you and hopefully you will find my ramblings to be helpful and honest. I have a ton of thoughts that go through my head at random times and I have always loved to write blogs. Writing to me is theraputic and for you it may just be entertainment. Maybe you will come back daily just to see what crazy ramblings I have for that day but, nonetheless, I hope you return often and find this blog to be helpful in whatever way it could fit into your life.

I am really inspired to reach out to other survivors of abuse. I also hope to raise awareness about the seriousness of child abuse and how many lives it has destroyed. I feel it is my responsiblity to share my personal experience along with what I have been taught along the way. I also have a huge heart for woman in general and will often post things about us as well. We are after all wonderful, confusing, inspirational beings. I really hope you enjoy! Come back soon and until then Take Care of You!


Tdazzlle!