The mean girl in me!!

Holy smokes look at that shoe

I saw this picture today on another blog that I read and I thought one word OUCH!!!. Her post was a way different kind of post but, for some reason I couldnt stop looking at that shoe. For one, hello that is a crazy, scary, horrible looking shoe (can you imagine if you tripped over your own feet). Second, the mean girl in me just came out for a split second and I thought "oh, the things I could do with that shoe.!" Then I couldnt stop thinking about the hatefulness that I have in my life. The bitter mean girl! Dont sit there and act like you dont know who in the world Im talking about cause I believe you know her all to well. I know that for the most part I try to be a kind hearted person but, certain things trigger my anger and Im turn into some kind of crazy incredible hulk monster girl! For me there is no middle. Im not one of those typical people that get a little frustrated, aggitated, upset, then move up to p.o'd! I have 2 stages! Calm and Crazy! I honestly suffer from rage blackouts and when I say suffer believe me I do. I have no control and its really a scary thing. I think with age and a ton of therapy I have more control of myself than before but, yet I still have the mean girl in there!

I say all of that to say this. Dont you hate it when someone tries to come into your life even for just a moment and steal your joy? One minute your walking around with a smile on your face and a song in your heart and then in a split second your on the verge of being put away into a padded room with your nice little comfy straight jacket because someone messed with you or someone you love? Dont you hate that we allow people in our lives (or people we wish would disappear from our lives) to steal our joy from us. Its so silly when you think about the big picture. Nothing can steal your joy unless you allow it too.

I have been dealing with a kind of anger that I pray none of you have ever had the great pleasure of dealing with. Because of my child hood abuse I chose a very long time ago to be angry instead of hurt. It hurts less was always my philosophy but, that couldnt be farther from the truth. I have caused myself more pain from anger than anything else in my life. I have been to stages of anger that if I had a gun or any weapon people would be dead right now and I would be writing this blog inside my comfy jail cell!! Im not trying to act hard or act as if that is something Im proud of. I have held so much anger for other and mostly for myself that it has at times almost destroyed who God intended me to be. I still hold onto my anger at times as if I let it go I will no longer exist but, for the most part I have learned to let it go. I have learned to steer clear of people who want to steal my joy! I have learned to let it burn (thats what I say, its an usher song) cry and move on for the most part. Here's what I have resently learned. If you pause for just one second before you start to destroy the universe with your magical anger skills. Just pause...Let the good girl and the evil girl hash this out before you act. lol. Heres a sample conversation in the mind of Tanya these days when someone ticks me off

The good girl part of my brain says " Ok, look just be nice. Please for the love of all the holy people just walk away and turn the other cheek

Bad Girl part of my brain instantly kicks in and says "oh heck no, I can not believe that she/he acted this way. I'll show you buster brown!!.

Good girl says " breath and pray...fold your hands in prayer

Bad girl says " Im gonna fold my hands for something whether that be to punch them square in the throat, throw something or just throw a good ole fashioned hissy fit!

Then the big man(thats God) steps in and says Tanya, stop and think. It might feel good in the minute to scream, retaliate, pitch a fit and flood the situation with scary crazy white girl emotions. But it won’t feel good in the long run. It will feel awful in the long run. Come on, T… be rare. Be a girl who looks ahead and determines to do what’s best in the long run.”

Issues? Yes, I have them. At least Im honest.

Im also glad to say that for the most part I let the good girl win but, Im sure all of us have days when the girl straight out of the movie "Mean Girls" takes over. That makes us human but, I think we should all start to try and be the nice girl! You know the girl that all of us mean girls hate because she is so stinkin nice we swear she poops skittles! Ya I want to be that girl. The girl that no matter what I smile! That my joy irritates the crud outta someone. I really do! Thats my hope in life. I may never poop rainbows but, I want to at least live each day with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. After all, Its my joy....Get your own!!!

Tanya