We should be ashamed but, not of our outter flaws!

My Butt is Big

And round like the letter C

And ten thousand lunges has made it rounder

But not smaller

And that's just fine.

Its a space heater for my side of the bed

It's my ambassador

That herds skinny woman

Away from the best deals

At clothing sales

My Butt is Big

And that is just fine

And those who might scorn it

Are invited to Kiss it

Just Do It!!!!

I absolutely have never read or heard anything that describes the way I feel about being a big booty girl as much as that quote above! I love that.

Imagine sitting in a room with all of your best girlfriends. What do you hear? What topic always gets brought up? Beauty, weight, fashion!! OK and guys but, this blog isn't about that and I'm not sure there is a blog big enough for that subject nor, do I believe I am qualified to try and figure that all out!! lol! Appearance is so important to all of us. I believe there is a fine line between being healthy and happy and being overly obsessed. I have friends who have curly hair and cry that they would do anything for straight hair. Tall woman want to be short and the short woman would do anything to be able to reach a glass in her own kitchen without a stinkin step stool. Big busted woman want to be just a bit smaller upstairs and us big booty woman wish we could donate or booties to the poor woman with flat hineys! We really are never happy! We are never satisfied. We should really be ashamed of the way that we beg for this and pray for that part of our body to disappear. While I believe with my whole heart that God wants us to treat our bodies as a temple, I also believe God never intended for us to eat one saltine cracker a day and run 5 miles up hill so that our butt looks perfect in the new bikini we just bought. I think God (being a man) had a more simple and logical plan (lets face it girls we aren't simple nor logical). He made a very obvious and might I add PERFECT choice when he made each of us! God intended for us to eat healthy, exercise and take care of our selves. He wants us to take pride in the way we look but its a shame some of the things that we do to ourselves to feel beautiful. We go to extreme measures for such silly reasons and the truth is that most of the time when we reach our almost impossible goal, we still don't feel pretty. Before you start ranting about how woman should do what makes them feel good, let me just say, I agree, within sane limits that we should do what makes us feel beautiful or sexy however, I don't believe that surgery, diets or torturing yourself to be a size that is not healthy for you to be will make you feel any better. Sexy is an attitude!

I think 99.99% of the time the way we feel about ourselves has nothing to do with our outer appearance and everything to do with our inner junk. Some of the most beautiful woman are horribly sad, angry and tormented by something so they try to control the only thing they can and that's the outside appearance. I also believe that the reason we are so hard on ourselves is because we are so hard on each other. How dare we make comments about each other. Despite what you have heard woman are not put on this earth to size up other woman. We are all uniquely made and who are we to tell someone else how to look? Maybe that scar from a c-section on that girls stomach that we just think she should cover up at the beach is her most proud feature because she was never suppose to live to see the baby she bore but, she did. The girl who is almost 7 foot tall that you so judgementaly made fun of well she got her height from her dad who died to soon and thats really all she has left of him. The girl who has burn scares on her face that kinda make you feel uncomfortable are because she drug her children out of a burning house and saved their lives. All of these things that we so easily judge are reasons these woman and ourselves are beautiful. Its the hurt, courage, and fight that we have in us that make us beautiful and we have become so insanely shallow and vain that we attack each other for flaws in appearance. Why? Oh, we should be so ashamed!

Lets make a change. Lets stop trying to be that model on the cover of cosmo magazine because the fact of the matter is this. She is photo shopped to look like anything but, herself. How sad for her? Let's stop sending messages to our teenage girls that they have to be a certain size, height and build to be beautiful. Lets teach them to see the beauty inside and to also appreciate the beauty on the outside. Lets teach ourselves and our children to maintain reasonable goals for our appearance. There are so many other things in life that we should be concerned with other than our looks. Don't you agree? I have a good feeling that if all of us woman could come to terms that we all have flaws but, we are all also beautifully made that more things would come easier in our lives. For instance, men!

Everyday we should look in the mirror and thank God for all the things he has made us. Matter of fact, I think everyone that reads this should go to the mirror and look at ourselves and tell God 5 things we are thankful for . Ill go first

Thank you for my eyes. I love the color and the shape.

Thank you for my smile because for a long time I wasn't happy enough to have a real one and now because of you I sport a permasmile!

Thank you for my small waist.

Thank you for the birthmark on my ankle because it reminds me that I am one of a kind.

Thank you for the stretch marks that remind me that you gave me 2 miracles and although I should have eaten less foot long cheese coney's from Sonic and walked more I'm still beautiful despite all my scars.

Ok, now its your turn. Heck, ya know what. Leave me a comment and put your prayer to God there. I would love to read and see what your thankful for. No negativeness. Its your maker your talkin too after all. Hello God don't make junk!

Ill leave you with this last quote

"Your just like God made you so embrace that, love on that. I know how hard it is some mornings to look in the mirror at yourself and all your imperfections and be stoked about what you see, let alone feel loved, but how about today we try? I mean what the heck if God sent you here looking that way I have a really good feeling we are who we are for a reason. Know today that you are adored, God adores you, and if you don't believe that then that's cool too, you don't have to. It does not mean at all that you're still not adored."

Take care of you

T dazzle

LOVE verses ABUSE..Who really wins?!?

"Love makes the world go round but, sadly abuse shatters that love into a million sharp little pieces that cut you when you try to put yourself back together again."

I think for anyone love is something we all look frantically for. I think everyone has their own battles with giving and accepting love. For those of us who have been abused its like the saddest most complicated term in the world. Love?

Looking back on my past and thinking of times I felt love, I have sat here an entire day trying to come up with a single time I felt love from my family. I cant do it! I was born to a deadbeat drunken cowboy and to a mother who was a victim of child abuse and was drowning in her own sea of sorrows and past abuse so much that she couldn't be a good mother to me. I cant remember one time I felt like my parents loved me. I often think that my dad showed me the only love he knew how by completely abandoning me. Maybe he was a monster and he knew it? Maybe that was love?

Maybe my mother constantly trying to get better, do better and be better was a form of love? Maybe she didn't realize what she drug me through while trying to find something, anything that would heal her life whether that be men, alcohol, and drugs? Nonetheless, this is the type of "love" I was raised to know. No one protected me, no one was nurturing or caring towards me. I was pawned for drugs, left in crack houses for days and left in a tent where I was kidnapped and tortured for over a year. So, knowing that how in the world could I believe in love? Where and how did I realize that love was an action? Love was sacrificing for another person? How in the world did I ever learn that? It still amazes me.

I'm one hell of a mom. I sacrifice too much at times. I nurture and I truly care for my children. I would die for them. But how? I love so many people. I honestly and completely love but, how? Its a feeling that I don't know how to have yet I have it for so many people. I think I'm good at loving people just as I am very good at loathing others. There is no middle for me. Is that because of my childhood abuse? How can a person be so loving and yet hold so much rage and hate inside?

I assume like the quote above says " Sadly abuse shatters love into a million sharp little pieces that cut you when you try to put yourself back together again" Its like love flies in to try and save everything that is broken and you learn to accept love but, every now and then you get cut and you bleed and although I believe it happens to all of us not just the abused, I think being cut and bleeding hurts so much more for those of us who were once shattered into little pieces on the floor because of abuse and neglect. Maybe our cuts go deeper? Maybe someone in our adulthood loves us but, hurts us as we all do because we cant help it, we are all rotten humans after all. The hurt cuts deeper, it brings up the past in some way , it triggers that horrible indescribable pain we had years ago as a child and before you realize it your cut is inches deep and you cant stop the bleeding. WE don't recover or deal as well as normal happy healthy people and the fault only belongs to our abusers yet, many of us own the blame and shame that belongs to them. Even so to me it makes me feel broke. I want to forgive and forget and recover from silly little argument that me and my "boy wonder, friends and children get into like I should. Its just another effect of my childhood. Just another thing that abuse left behind.

I guess my answer to the question "Love verses Abuse...Who really wins? Even knowing all that I know about abuse, trauma and torment, my answer is Love. Because although the effects of my abuse will always be there it comes and it goes. I have good days and bad. Love remains the same. It's Never changing and has been there forever. No matter how dark my world gets I know love is there. Thats how I come out of the darkness and back into the sunshine. People hurt me, raped me, starved me, tried to drown me, used and abused me. Love has NEVER failed me. Love has rescued me and gave me all of that back! Love was there before I was willing to accept it. Love waited for me! Love saved me! Love was hung on a cross. Love felt every ounce of pain I ever felt. Love never left my side. Love wins!!

In short: Love whips the snot outta abuse EVERY TIME!!!

The monster under my bed!

* Warning - this post maybe too graphic or it may also be a trigger for those who have suffered abuse of any kind.

I have had the same re-occurring dream since I was 6 years old. I have been through years of therapy. I have been hypnotized to try and find out what this dream is about all in hopes to make it go away! I have bought dream books, and even attended a dream class. I have learned of ways to cope with it and it has seemed to occur less and less but, still yet when I have this dream it turns my world upside down.

The dream is set back in the day of horse and buggies. Its kind of a western theme. Its main street in Skiatook and its the exact same every time. The only difference is the characters change each time. I will explain more about that after I tell you about the dream. I am walking with someone (different character each time) and I am following them. They turn around and they are frantically crying and screaming at me but, I cant hear them. The persons tears turn to blood and they begin to scream and point. I still cant hear them. I can only see the direction they are pointing in so I start running as fast as I can. I keep running and keep looking back to the person for direction. The feelings I have while I'm running are a feeling of not getting there in time. Its like I know something horrible has happened yet, I have no idea what it is. I run and run and its one of those "dream runs" where your wore out like you have ran a marathon yet, you haven't gotten anywhere at all. The person comes back and has a hoody on. They are still crying blood but, have stopped screaming because they know I cant hear them. There is blood pouring out of their eyes and the look of complete desperation, sadness and urgency just stares back at me. Eventually after what seems like hours of me running around trying to find someone, some sign, something the person turns to walk away and I feel more abandoned and alone then ever and I begin to chase them and cry begging them not to leave. Begging that they tell me what is wrong. Begging for help. The person slowly and sadly looks at me and points. I turn to see what they are pointing at and I see me, as a child hanging from a tree. I just weep for what seems like an eternity. I hear chanting, laughing, and screams. I cant stop looking at me hanging there wondering who would do such a thing to such an innocent person. I then see fire coming from the ground. I feel almost forced to watch myself burn! I can feel every single emotion and physical pain that (me) the little girl hanging from the tree feels and its almost enough to make me lay down and die with her. I feel the fear, the heat, and the desperation to just be dead already.

When I am waken from this dream which is usually because someone finds me crying and wakes me up, I cant describe to you the loneliness I feel. I cant explain in any words the anger I feel or the feeling of being so lost that Im almost a walking dead girl. I have had fears that if someone hadnt found me and waken me that I would have really died there while dreaming. I have had many sleepless nights after this because of fear of going back there again. This dream stays with me for days after. I pray and give it to God, I try to ignore it, I get pissed at it but, those feelings stay with me.

Here's what I have been told by therapists:

The fire and chanting are because while I was kidnapped I was used in cult rituals that included both chanting and fire.

I have been told that the little girl (me) is a symbol of my childhood or my innocence. This makes sense to me because of the way that I feel during this dream when people are laughing and chanting. I just keep saying over and over. How could you do this to me? Therapists have said that maybe its a symbol of me not letting go of that little girl and torturing her even more by not letting her rest.

Like I said before each time I dream its a different person who leads me to myself. The only pattern I have seen in the list of people through the years is that each of them are people that I have trusted. My daughters, My boyfriend, my grandma (who has passed), my best friends. One time I had the dream and it was a man. The most peaceful beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on and he lead me to myself. He screamed and cried like everyone else but, he still seemed at peace. I think ( no therapist mentioned this) that it was jesus or an angel.

Because of childhood trauma I have many times dreamed of seeing myself dead. I have been killed in horrific ways in my dreams, I have attended my own funeral where nobody else was there, and I have drowned in my own blood but, no dream has stuck with me this long. I have a overwhelming feeling that if I could just figure out the meaning of this dream that it would finally leave me and my inner child alone. I think that if I could find the meaning maybe I could deal with the emotions or events that take me to that place and finally that place would disappear. So at the risk of feeling like a complete crazy person in front of all of you I am posting this so that maybe someone could shed some light on it. I had the dream 3 days ago and have been very sad, angry and disconnected since. I just think maybe someone on the outside looking in could shed some light on something that I or my 2million therapist have missed. I just want to get rid of the monster under my bed once and for all!

Take Care of You,

Tanya

"The Truth Hurts"

" The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be decieved, our feelings manipulated, our preceptions confused, and out body tricked with medication. But, someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromise or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth."