"Love makes the world go round but, sadly abuse shatters that love into a million sharp little pieces that cut you when you try to put yourself back together again."
I think for anyone love is something we all look frantically for. I think everyone has their own battles with giving and accepting love. For those of us who have been abused its like the saddest most complicated term in the world. Love?
Looking back on my past and thinking of times I felt love, I have sat here an entire day trying to come up with a single time I felt love from my family. I cant do it! I was born to a deadbeat drunken cowboy and to a mother who was a victim of child abuse and was drowning in her own sea of sorrows and past abuse so much that she couldn't be a good mother to me. I cant remember one time I felt like my parents loved me. I often think that my dad showed me the only love he knew how by completely abandoning me. Maybe he was a monster and he knew it? Maybe that was love?
Maybe my mother constantly trying to get better, do better and be better was a form of love? Maybe she didn't realize what she drug me through while trying to find something, anything that would heal her life whether that be men, alcohol, and drugs? Nonetheless, this is the type of "love" I was raised to know. No one protected me, no one was nurturing or caring towards me. I was pawned for drugs, left in crack houses for days and left in a tent where I was kidnapped and tortured for over a year. So, knowing that how in the world could I believe in love? Where and how did I realize that love was an action? Love was sacrificing for another person? How in the world did I ever learn that? It still amazes me.
I'm one hell of a mom. I sacrifice too much at times. I nurture and I truly care for my children. I would die for them. But how? I love so many people. I honestly and completely love but, how? Its a feeling that I don't know how to have yet I have it for so many people. I think I'm good at loving people just as I am very good at loathing others. There is no middle for me. Is that because of my childhood abuse? How can a person be so loving and yet hold so much rage and hate inside?
I assume like the quote above says " Sadly abuse shatters love into a million sharp little pieces that cut you when you try to put yourself back together again" Its like love flies in to try and save everything that is broken and you learn to accept love but, every now and then you get cut and you bleed and although I believe it happens to all of us not just the abused, I think being cut and bleeding hurts so much more for those of us who were once shattered into little pieces on the floor because of abuse and neglect. Maybe our cuts go deeper? Maybe someone in our adulthood loves us but, hurts us as we all do because we cant help it, we are all rotten humans after all. The hurt cuts deeper, it brings up the past in some way , it triggers that horrible indescribable pain we had years ago as a child and before you realize it your cut is inches deep and you cant stop the bleeding. WE don't recover or deal as well as normal happy healthy people and the fault only belongs to our abusers yet, many of us own the blame and shame that belongs to them. Even so to me it makes me feel broke. I want to forgive and forget and recover from silly little argument that me and my "boy wonder, friends and children get into like I should. Its just another effect of my childhood. Just another thing that abuse left behind.
I guess my answer to the question "Love verses Abuse...Who really wins? Even knowing all that I know about abuse, trauma and torment, my answer is Love. Because although the effects of my abuse will always be there it comes and it goes. I have good days and bad. Love remains the same. It's Never changing and has been there forever. No matter how dark my world gets I know love is there. Thats how I come out of the darkness and back into the sunshine. People hurt me, raped me, starved me, tried to drown me, used and abused me. Love has NEVER failed me. Love has rescued me and gave me all of that back! Love was there before I was willing to accept it. Love waited for me! Love saved me! Love was hung on a cross. Love felt every ounce of pain I ever felt. Love never left my side. Love wins!!
In short: Love whips the snot outta abuse EVERY TIME!!!
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