The monster under my bed!

* Warning - this post maybe too graphic or it may also be a trigger for those who have suffered abuse of any kind.

I have had the same re-occurring dream since I was 6 years old. I have been through years of therapy. I have been hypnotized to try and find out what this dream is about all in hopes to make it go away! I have bought dream books, and even attended a dream class. I have learned of ways to cope with it and it has seemed to occur less and less but, still yet when I have this dream it turns my world upside down.

The dream is set back in the day of horse and buggies. Its kind of a western theme. Its main street in Skiatook and its the exact same every time. The only difference is the characters change each time. I will explain more about that after I tell you about the dream. I am walking with someone (different character each time) and I am following them. They turn around and they are frantically crying and screaming at me but, I cant hear them. The persons tears turn to blood and they begin to scream and point. I still cant hear them. I can only see the direction they are pointing in so I start running as fast as I can. I keep running and keep looking back to the person for direction. The feelings I have while I'm running are a feeling of not getting there in time. Its like I know something horrible has happened yet, I have no idea what it is. I run and run and its one of those "dream runs" where your wore out like you have ran a marathon yet, you haven't gotten anywhere at all. The person comes back and has a hoody on. They are still crying blood but, have stopped screaming because they know I cant hear them. There is blood pouring out of their eyes and the look of complete desperation, sadness and urgency just stares back at me. Eventually after what seems like hours of me running around trying to find someone, some sign, something the person turns to walk away and I feel more abandoned and alone then ever and I begin to chase them and cry begging them not to leave. Begging that they tell me what is wrong. Begging for help. The person slowly and sadly looks at me and points. I turn to see what they are pointing at and I see me, as a child hanging from a tree. I just weep for what seems like an eternity. I hear chanting, laughing, and screams. I cant stop looking at me hanging there wondering who would do such a thing to such an innocent person. I then see fire coming from the ground. I feel almost forced to watch myself burn! I can feel every single emotion and physical pain that (me) the little girl hanging from the tree feels and its almost enough to make me lay down and die with her. I feel the fear, the heat, and the desperation to just be dead already.

When I am waken from this dream which is usually because someone finds me crying and wakes me up, I cant describe to you the loneliness I feel. I cant explain in any words the anger I feel or the feeling of being so lost that Im almost a walking dead girl. I have had fears that if someone hadnt found me and waken me that I would have really died there while dreaming. I have had many sleepless nights after this because of fear of going back there again. This dream stays with me for days after. I pray and give it to God, I try to ignore it, I get pissed at it but, those feelings stay with me.

Here's what I have been told by therapists:

The fire and chanting are because while I was kidnapped I was used in cult rituals that included both chanting and fire.

I have been told that the little girl (me) is a symbol of my childhood or my innocence. This makes sense to me because of the way that I feel during this dream when people are laughing and chanting. I just keep saying over and over. How could you do this to me? Therapists have said that maybe its a symbol of me not letting go of that little girl and torturing her even more by not letting her rest.

Like I said before each time I dream its a different person who leads me to myself. The only pattern I have seen in the list of people through the years is that each of them are people that I have trusted. My daughters, My boyfriend, my grandma (who has passed), my best friends. One time I had the dream and it was a man. The most peaceful beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on and he lead me to myself. He screamed and cried like everyone else but, he still seemed at peace. I think ( no therapist mentioned this) that it was jesus or an angel.

Because of childhood trauma I have many times dreamed of seeing myself dead. I have been killed in horrific ways in my dreams, I have attended my own funeral where nobody else was there, and I have drowned in my own blood but, no dream has stuck with me this long. I have a overwhelming feeling that if I could just figure out the meaning of this dream that it would finally leave me and my inner child alone. I think that if I could find the meaning maybe I could deal with the emotions or events that take me to that place and finally that place would disappear. So at the risk of feeling like a complete crazy person in front of all of you I am posting this so that maybe someone could shed some light on it. I had the dream 3 days ago and have been very sad, angry and disconnected since. I just think maybe someone on the outside looking in could shed some light on something that I or my 2million therapist have missed. I just want to get rid of the monster under my bed once and for all!

Take Care of You,

Tanya