8 things that cross my mind alot!

Oh how brave you are to enter the mind of me. I have really thought about this one because I have 15 kajillion thoughts in a day so here goes nothin:

1. I wonder more than anything how both my daughters fathers (and heck we can throw my own father into this one) can be such deadbeats. How a parent can pick and choose which children to take care of and which ones to abandon. I wonder if it ever crosses their mind that they have scarred one child while giving the other more of a chance by being there for them. I wonder if their hearts ache so much from the guilt that they just rather not think about it or if they really are the monsters I think they are. I wonder what God will say to them on judgement day and if the words of our God will even speak to them. I wonder just how many times these same thoughts go through my kids minds. I wonder how a heart is suppose to understand or comprehend that kind of hurt. I wonder if all the women I know who were abandoned by their fathers will ever really completely heal or allow a man to really 100% love us with out us questioning when he will leave too.

2. I wonder about money and finances alot.

3. I wonder if people see me for who I really am. The good, the bad and the ugly. I wonder if they realize that somedays I can barely breath from the things I keep inside. I wonder if they knew what those secrets were if they would still love me the same. I wonder if they can tell when I wear a fake smile and if they know that inside Im exploding with hysterical crying yet, my eyes wont cry. I wonder if people really think I am strong or if they just tell me that because their worst fear is that Ill break and never put myself back together. I wonder if my days of happiness are really happy or just simply surviving.

4. I wonder often what would happen to my children if I were to die. Which friends would fight for them to stay together or if anyone would. I wonder if the love I have shown them will be enough to get them through. I wonder if people will do as they say and stop their lives to take care of them, I wonder if they will remember me always or if as the years go by they start to forget and I wonder if they will be separated...and at that moment I shut down because my heart cant take that much pain and I realize I can NEVER leave them because I am the only one they can count on!

5. I wonder if their is one person in my life that is 100% real to me?

6. I wonder if Randy really loves me the way he says or if he is afraid like most people to be alone. I wonder if our love is real and if we are just going through a hard time and will be ok in the end or if our baggage is enough to sink a ship. I wonder if we are destroying ourselves while lying to each other and saying that we love each other. I wonder if the maybe's and the if's are all in my mind because Im scared of love and will find any way to destroy it before i actually feel it or if they are red flags being waved at me so hard yet, I continue to make excuses for them.

7. I wonder why people say " Marriage is the hardest thing in the world but, its worth it" why in the world would you get married if its just going to be hard. If loving someone everyday for the rest of your life is so hard why do it. Why make yourself go through fight after fight, day after day until your so broken down that you just dont care anymore. If love is so hard why is everyone so worried about falling, being and staying in love. Why is it so stinking hard for us to love each other unconditionally. Then I realize the things that have been done to me by people who "loved" me and I realize there are conditions that can make you not love somebody and I realize how unbelievably evil people are or can become and I see the pain in marriage and in love and the longer I look at the pain the farther away I get away from love. Am I hurting worse because I run from love or are all the people that chase love hurting more in the end?

8. I wonder how my brain doesnt explode from all this wondering