Dear Nana:
This is the hardest letter that I have had to write yet. God, I miss you so much. I cant believe you have been gone out of my life for 12 yrs. It feels like just yesterday that you were here. There hasnt been a day go by that I didnt wish you were here. Some days Im mad at you for leaving us and others my heart hurts so bad that I cant hardly stand it. You were my rock! I talked to you about everything and you always gave it to me straight. I feel like I am really messing up these days and I so wish that you were here to tell me whether I am making the right choices for me and the girls. My life was so much easier when you were here. I know you never butted in my business or made choices for me but, knowing you were there behind that glass door of the only home I ever knew made all of my trial seem a little less horrible. I think all of the time that I am going to forget you. It seems like with the years I forget little things about you like the sound of your laugh. What I would do just to hear you laugh one more time. I miss the smell of your kitchen and the warmth of your home.
You always believed in me and I wish so much that I knew why? I wish I could believe in myself half as much as you believed in me. I wish I had half your strength and wisdom. Somedays like today I just wish I could be with you in heaven. Life here is so hard and there are so many choices that shape the future for my children and Im just scared of my decisions and my mistakes. I know your near me cheering me on and I know you know that I will be ok! I know you will insure that we are always ok but, I just wish I could hear you say it. There are times that when I sit alone and think of you that I really feel you there. Im not really sure if that makes me crazy but, I choose to believe it is you and that your with me always.
I need you to know that you were my everything as a child and I never realized it until about 4 yrs after you were gone. I always felt like nobody really wanted me around but, you always wanted me and you always made me feel wanted. In my craziest times you made me feel like I was sane. In my weakest moments you were strong and you taught me about love. I never knew love until you. I never knew nuturing or caring until you. You were everything to me. You were my mom, dad, friend, grandma and most of all my biggiest fan. You always believed in me. You saved me in so many ways and you taught me so many things and I feel like you took alot of me with you. Im not a super caring person anymore. I have become so cold and numb to things that should really matter to me. Im not always proud of the person I am and I know maybe you look down on me and are disappointed. I just dont know how to be that girl you raised me to be. This world is so unfair, confusing and hard. Most days I put a fake smile on my face and go about my business because thats what you taught me to do. When I dont have fight left in me for me I fight for my kids. I know I get that strength from you. I miss you so much!
I heard yesterday that grandpa is dying. That he has 6 mos to live and the only thing that I could think was how mad and hurt i am that he gets to see you first. Do you know I havent talked to him since your funeral? I am just mortified that he was married 2 mos after you died and he sold the only home I ever had without a blink of an eye. I hate him for that. I also hate him for not being a good husband to you. He never deserved you and you did so much for him, his children and grandchildren. Im sorry you had to die with that sadness in your heart. I hope when/if he gets to heaven you tell him how it is! He is a bastard for treating you the way he did.
Kelbie is 14 now and oh my goodness I can just imagine how proud of her you are. She is so responsible and sweet. I just wish she remembered you more. You were such a blessing to us and i know she loves you still today
Aspen is a firecracker and you would adore her! She is everywhere all at once. I tell her about you all the time and she acts like she knows you. Maybe she does?
I miss you beyond words and cant wait to see you again one day! I love you.
I heard yesterday that grandpa is dying. That he has 6 mos to live and the only thing that I could think was how mad and hurt i am that he gets to see you first. Do you know I havent talked to him since your funeral? I am just mortified that he was married 2 mos after you died and he sold the only home I ever had without a blink of an eye. I hate him for that. I also hate him for not being a good husband to you. He never deserved you and you did so much for him, his children and grandchildren. Im sorry you had to die with that sadness in your heart. I hope when/if he gets to heaven you tell him how it is! He is a bastard for treating you the way he did.
Kelbie is 14 now and oh my goodness I can just imagine how proud of her you are. She is so responsible and sweet. I just wish she remembered you more. You were such a blessing to us and i know she loves you still today
Aspen is a firecracker and you would adore her! She is everywhere all at once. I tell her about you all the time and she acts like she knows you. Maybe she does?
I miss you beyond words and cant wait to see you again one day! I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment